When I walk, do the marks left behind resemble the Savior whose steps I strive to follow? Does my trail of footprints direct a lost generation to Him? (Psalm 17:5 & 1 Peter 2:21)
When I speak, is it with unsealed lips and a mouth that praises God unashamedly? Do my words overflow from an undefiled heart? (Psalm 51:15 & Matthew 15:18)
When I smile, does it reveal a divine romance with my King? Does my expression show a joy found only in knowing that I am loved by the Lord? (Psalm 5:11 & 1 John 4:16)
When I stand, is it with the authority of a God who moves mountains and brings nations to their knees? Is it with the humility of knowing that it is Him and not me? (Luke 10:19, Romans 14:11,& Phillipians 2:13)
Does the desire that screams from deep inside of me make a sound to those around? Does the cry of my heart echo in their ears? (Isaiah 26:8,9 Psalm 57:2)
Does the love that swells up within me touch the hearts of those I encounter? Does my passion for God leaving a lasting imprint on their lives? (Romans 12:9)
Does my presence convey a tangible expression of God's unconditional love? As I outstretch my arms to embrace another, do they see an image of the cross that bridges the gap between them and God? (2 Corinthians 5:19-21)
Am I an example in my life, my love, my faith, and my purity of a holy and omnipotent God who gave His life in unfailing adoration? Does who I am reflect who my God is? (1 Timothy 4:12 & John 1:14)
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
In the Past Week
Last Friday, Jesse and I drove up to Newberg to visit my brother David, and my friends Jenny and Sam, who are all attending George Fox University. After touring the campus and visiting a bit, I went back to the hotel while Jesse hung out with the guys. My cousin, Ben, was just getting off of work in Eugene around 11:30 and planned on taking the 2 hour journey to Newberg, arriving in the little town close to 2:00am. At this point the guys were gonna visit the "Man Hole". Having never seen this place, I can't really tell you exactly what it is, and, being a woman, I'd probably never go, but the way it's been described to me is being a drainage system just under the highway in which you can slide down into a little pool. I've been assured it's not a sewer system, though. Well, at about 3:00am, David walks into my hotel room and tells me I need to get up and get dressed. We need to go to the hospital. Apparently, each guy slid down once and on Jesse's turn, he turned his foot in a way that scraped his ankle against, most likely, a rock. This cut Jesse's ankle open, right on the bone, and it was clear he needed stitches. So we loaded up and met at the local Emergency Room as Jesse got sutured up. This is, of course, not how any of us wanted to end the night. However, what made it the most frustrating is the fact that Jesse's insurance has not kicked in and we had no idea what this hospital visit was going to cost us. We all tried to keep positive attitudes and made light of the situation. I knew that it was necessary for this to be done. Therefore, my response was just to trust that God was going to provide and not worry about it. Now, 4 days later, Jesse is healing very well with almost no pain at all. We're hoping to have my aunt, who's a nurse, remove the stitches saving us another hospital visit. He won't have them removed for another week and 1/2, though, to ensure healing.
After getting back into town and back to work the following Monday, I had a job interview concerning a new position available at my work. As of right now, I work at the Teen Center which is an after-school program for middle-schoolers. They drop in whenever they want and have games and activities. We provide snack and help them with their homework and I simply supervise them until it's time to go home. The new position would make me Site Coordinator over the after-school program at the school itself. Here, the kids devote themselves to staying after school and working on their homework with assistance and attending classes such as jewelry making or dance. I'd be organizing and scheduling the classes that the kids would be attending, and I'd be overseeing the teaching of those classes, making sure everything is running smoothly. It'd be a $3 an hour raise and I'd be working at least 4 more hours a week (when you only work 15 hours a week, that's a big deal). Well, I felt God pulling at me to apply for this job. I know that I am more than qualified to do it and it'd provide opportunity for some nice changes. I had the interview on Monday with my current boss. I didn't feel that the interview really showed my ability to lead the program, but I hoped my reputation with my boss and my application would shine. I had no clue, though, the type of competition I may be against and wasn't sure how I'd stand up. Well, today, 2 days later, I was informed by my boss that I did not receive the position. I have quite mixed feelings about it, mainly because I don't know what kept me from getting it. However, I know that I prayed as I went to apply and as I did my interview, and I'm trusting that God shut the door for a reason. Obviously He has something else in mind, either a different position or I'm supposed to stay where I am. My boss, however, does want to meet with me in the next couple of weeks and discuss how I could move up in the company and says she does see that happening. Perhaps, God will give me direction through that. Meanwhile, it allowed me the opportunity to witness to my boss simply telling her of my faith in God to lead me where He wants me to go. Perhaps, that's what it was all about. I don't know. As of right now, though, I feel like God is taking me through a time of change and preparing me to step into the ministry He has for me, but I have no idea what it looks like or how to get there. So for now, I'm waiting on direction.
As for Jesse and me together, we're finally settling into our routine again after a stressful week last week. Jesse had a lot of demanding orders with his job and was working overtime to compensate for it. I was pulled between school and work and all sorts of family obligations. That left both of us exhausted once we got home. And we'd been going out of town nearly every weekend for the past month. So this week, we are enjoying the relaxation and highly anticipating the upcoming weekend...
After getting back into town and back to work the following Monday, I had a job interview concerning a new position available at my work. As of right now, I work at the Teen Center which is an after-school program for middle-schoolers. They drop in whenever they want and have games and activities. We provide snack and help them with their homework and I simply supervise them until it's time to go home. The new position would make me Site Coordinator over the after-school program at the school itself. Here, the kids devote themselves to staying after school and working on their homework with assistance and attending classes such as jewelry making or dance. I'd be organizing and scheduling the classes that the kids would be attending, and I'd be overseeing the teaching of those classes, making sure everything is running smoothly. It'd be a $3 an hour raise and I'd be working at least 4 more hours a week (when you only work 15 hours a week, that's a big deal). Well, I felt God pulling at me to apply for this job. I know that I am more than qualified to do it and it'd provide opportunity for some nice changes. I had the interview on Monday with my current boss. I didn't feel that the interview really showed my ability to lead the program, but I hoped my reputation with my boss and my application would shine. I had no clue, though, the type of competition I may be against and wasn't sure how I'd stand up. Well, today, 2 days later, I was informed by my boss that I did not receive the position. I have quite mixed feelings about it, mainly because I don't know what kept me from getting it. However, I know that I prayed as I went to apply and as I did my interview, and I'm trusting that God shut the door for a reason. Obviously He has something else in mind, either a different position or I'm supposed to stay where I am. My boss, however, does want to meet with me in the next couple of weeks and discuss how I could move up in the company and says she does see that happening. Perhaps, God will give me direction through that. Meanwhile, it allowed me the opportunity to witness to my boss simply telling her of my faith in God to lead me where He wants me to go. Perhaps, that's what it was all about. I don't know. As of right now, though, I feel like God is taking me through a time of change and preparing me to step into the ministry He has for me, but I have no idea what it looks like or how to get there. So for now, I'm waiting on direction.
As for Jesse and me together, we're finally settling into our routine again after a stressful week last week. Jesse had a lot of demanding orders with his job and was working overtime to compensate for it. I was pulled between school and work and all sorts of family obligations. That left both of us exhausted once we got home. And we'd been going out of town nearly every weekend for the past month. So this week, we are enjoying the relaxation and highly anticipating the upcoming weekend...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
All About It
After being inspired by a co-worker, I decided to start this website. I figured it would be a really easy way to update all of those people who are far away about the day-to-day happenings in the lives of the Petersons. Here, we can post pictures and tell you about any breaking news in the household. You can check in on us regularly and comment on our stuff. Hope this helps to bridge the gap between miles!
Friday, January 5, 2007
Answers to Prayers
It was now 15 months since we had officially broken up and the journal encompassed every end of the spectrum concerning our relationship. It took a week for Jesse to pick it up, but when he did, he read the entire thing in one sitting. He was completely moved by the amount of love that I expressed for him, even in the darkest times. He had never felt that much love from anyone before, not even his parents. He knew that the love that I had given him was a tangible picture of God’s unconditional love for him. He also knew that he couldn’t imagine his life without me. He had tried to deny it many times, but admitted that even when he didn’t want to be with me, he still knew we would ultimately end up together. When he sat down to talk to me about it all, he described all of this to me. Neither of us was sure what to do next, but we wanted to make sure that it was according to God’s will. So while we both knew that we would end up getting married at that moment, we knew that we needed time to wait and pray for direction. While I was so happy to be where we were, it was really difficult knowing how to define our relationship. We talked about the kind of house we wanted to live in someday and about our future family, etc. But I couldn’t hold his hand even though it brushed up against mine and I couldn’t call him my boyfriend or anything more. Fortunately, we got the green light to go forward with our relationship before too much longer. Jesse went to my brother first and got his permission to date me, since my brother is the primary male figure in my family. And then on January 5, 2008, he informed me that we could now be together. I say “informed” because it went a little something like this: “So, we’re going out now.” I laughed and told him that he better not propose to me like that (“So, we’re engaged now.”)!
A month later, Jesse had lunch with my mom and asked her for my hand in marriage. And on February 12, 2007, Jesse and I spent a beautiful day at the coast where he later got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I, of course, responded, “ABSOLUTELY!” (You don’t wait 2 years for someone and hesitate…!) The speech he gave was short and sweet, but was followed by a moment that has defined our marriage. After kisses and hugs and pictures, we sat upon a big boulder on the beach and lifted everything up to God. We asked Him to teach us how to love each other as God loves us. We surrendered all of the wedding planning to His hands, asking Him to be over every detail. We prayed that our relationship would be a testimony to all who see it, and that our love for each other would overflow to those around us.
Four and ½ months later, I celebrated the greatest answer to prayer that I’ve ever received by marrying the love of my life. The months that led up to this were filled with joy and excitement, and as I stood in that dressing room, I had a complete peace about every detail of the ceremony. As Jesse and the groomsmen stood out in the courtyard posing for photographs, I watched from a 2nd story window and gazed at the amazing gift God had given me down below.
When it was time to walk down the aisle, the chapel doors opened and Jesse’s face lit up. Those who were there describe this as one of their favorite moments. They could just tell how excited he was and how much he loved me. Every piece of the ceremony was scripted to tell the story of our love. We chose the songs specifically to describe our love for God and had them sung in the midst of the ceremony in a time of worship to Him. Our vows were picked because they specifically depicted our goals for our marriage. Our candles were lit by both of our parents to symbolize the roles they played in bringing us up. And we lit the unity candle with these candles during a slideshow of our childhood photos and the song “God Blessed the Broken Road”. Furthermore, the entire wedding party, band, and ushers were comprised completely of our youth group members. Each decision made to tell a little bit of who we are and what God has done in our relationship.
It began with God changing our hearts towards each other. Then He revealed a love that neither of us had ever experienced before. He allowed us to lose our relationship to engrain His love for us deeply on our hearts. Although in different ways, we each learned the depths of God’s love for us. And then He brought us back together, creating a union made to mirror His love to other people. Jesse and I believe wholeheartedly that our marriage should be a testimony to all who see it and hear its story. We take that calling seriously in the affection we show towards each other, the way we talk to each other, even the way we argue with each other. We know that God has put us in each other’s lives for a purpose greater than we can achieve on our own and, even more, greater than we could ever know. We look forward to seeing where God takes us on this journey and praise Him for all He has done and will do. This is a love story continually being written by God…
A month later, Jesse had lunch with my mom and asked her for my hand in marriage. And on February 12, 2007, Jesse and I spent a beautiful day at the coast where he later got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I, of course, responded, “ABSOLUTELY!” (You don’t wait 2 years for someone and hesitate…!) The speech he gave was short and sweet, but was followed by a moment that has defined our marriage. After kisses and hugs and pictures, we sat upon a big boulder on the beach and lifted everything up to God. We asked Him to teach us how to love each other as God loves us. We surrendered all of the wedding planning to His hands, asking Him to be over every detail. We prayed that our relationship would be a testimony to all who see it, and that our love for each other would overflow to those around us.
Four and ½ months later, I celebrated the greatest answer to prayer that I’ve ever received by marrying the love of my life. The months that led up to this were filled with joy and excitement, and as I stood in that dressing room, I had a complete peace about every detail of the ceremony. As Jesse and the groomsmen stood out in the courtyard posing for photographs, I watched from a 2nd story window and gazed at the amazing gift God had given me down below.
When it was time to walk down the aisle, the chapel doors opened and Jesse’s face lit up. Those who were there describe this as one of their favorite moments. They could just tell how excited he was and how much he loved me. Every piece of the ceremony was scripted to tell the story of our love. We chose the songs specifically to describe our love for God and had them sung in the midst of the ceremony in a time of worship to Him. Our vows were picked because they specifically depicted our goals for our marriage. Our candles were lit by both of our parents to symbolize the roles they played in bringing us up. And we lit the unity candle with these candles during a slideshow of our childhood photos and the song “God Blessed the Broken Road”. Furthermore, the entire wedding party, band, and ushers were comprised completely of our youth group members. Each decision made to tell a little bit of who we are and what God has done in our relationship.
It began with God changing our hearts towards each other. Then He revealed a love that neither of us had ever experienced before. He allowed us to lose our relationship to engrain His love for us deeply on our hearts. Although in different ways, we each learned the depths of God’s love for us. And then He brought us back together, creating a union made to mirror His love to other people. Jesse and I believe wholeheartedly that our marriage should be a testimony to all who see it and hear its story. We take that calling seriously in the affection we show towards each other, the way we talk to each other, even the way we argue with each other. We know that God has put us in each other’s lives for a purpose greater than we can achieve on our own and, even more, greater than we could ever know. We look forward to seeing where God takes us on this journey and praise Him for all He has done and will do. This is a love story continually being written by God…
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I Will Praise You in this Storm
From before we even started dating, Jesse and I were in agreement that there was no reason to date without the intention of marriage. We weren’t sure where we were headed, but if we couldn’t see ourselves ever getting married, there was no reason to even begin a relationship. We also agreed that we wanted our relationship to be one based in God, more of a courtship than really dating. And, from the very beginning, we knew that God had brought us together. The most unlikely people to get together from the youth group, and yet there was no doubt that it was literally a match made in Heaven. I kept a journal beginning that very first day, chronicling our love story.
We were head over heels for each other. I had never felt loved so much in my life, and the love that abounded in my heart for Jesse was more than I had ever known. This isn’t to say that things were perfect, though.
Jesse struggled through much of his teen years in a tug-o-war between his flesh and his spirit. He would go back and forth between immersing himself in the ways of the world and then hitting rock bottom and crawling back to God. He felt like so much of a failure most of the time, that his shame kept him from surrendering it all. And, so when he would mess up, he would just believe that he was destined to mess up and stay in that place until he couldn’t stand it anymore. And then he’d come back to God and declare he was going to do everything differently this time. But he’d put so much effort into being the most perfect Christian he could be, that he’d become overwhelmed and spiral into the same place he was before. It was an awful cycle to watch him go through and to be a part of. For every time he partook in this cycle, it directly affected his relationship with me.
Jesse would often tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was, and how he knew that I was the one he was supposed to marry. This was when his eyes were set on God. But when he lost his focus, all of the sudden he wasn’t sure if he loved me at all, he wasn’t attracted to me, and he felt so uncertain about spending his life with me. Talk about an emotional roller coaster for me! It broke my heart over and over again to hear these contradictions come from his mouth, but I knew the emotional roller coaster I was on was nothing compared to the spiritual one that he was one.
In August 2005, 5 months into our relationship, Jesse moved away to Monmouth to begin his freshman year at Western Oregon University. At this point, we were certain of getting married, despite the struggles we had experienced. We were planning our wedding for the following summer in 2006, and I had already contacted WOU’s married housing department and was arranging to transfer my senior year of college to George Fox University’s Salem district.
As he absorbed himself in football camp, Jesse began to struggle more and more with the lifestyle presented before him daily, and the one he knew God wanted him to have. There were more and more of those roller coaster days where all of his uncertainty began to rise up again. So, we decided to seek the counsel of our pastor and his wife to help us reconcile these issues. On September 15th, I drove up to Monmouth to pick Jesse up and bring him home. We were supposed to see our pastor that weekend for our first counseling session. I made a necklace that day that I decided to wear to remind me to pray for our relationship. It had one charm that was a man kneeling down to pray and one charm that was a heart. As we drove, though, Jesse began to inform me of all of his uncertainties towards our relationship again. I don’t remember the words he said, but his final decision was to break up with me. I was heartbroken. I immediately took off the necklace in hurt and placed it on the seat. However, I heard the voice of God speaking to my heart to put it back on. He said, “Don’t give up on him.” It wasn’t audible, but it was the clearest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I put the necklace back on and determined that I was not going to let Jesse slip into the lies of the Devil. I knew, from everything he was saying, that he was trying to get away from his source of accountability in his relationship with God. And I knew that would be the most detrimental thing he could do to himself. Thus began the hardest thing I’ve ever been through…
Although we were broken up, I decided to seek the counseling of my pastor’s wife without Jesse, so that I could get reinforcements on how to handle this whole ordeal. The most crucial thing she told me was to spend time in prayer and fasting and ask God if Jesse was really the person I was supposed to marry. She said that if God said no, she knew I would still pray for him and hold him accountable, but I could be released from the burden of loving him in that way through the midst of it. If God said yes, however, then I would have that much more fervor to stand against whatever may come.
As much as fasting is not my strong suit (I love my food!), I felt that it was really important and worth it to make this sacrifice. Often, in that vulnerable and humble state, God is able to speak volumes to us. So I spent the next 3 days fasting. It was probably some of the worst days of this whole experience. I was cranky and heartbroken and hungry and sick and lonely. I cried everyday, multiple times throughout the day. Everything reminded me of Jesse. TV commercials, couples at the mall, things around my room, EVERYTHING. But I prayed and I prayed for God to reveal to me whether Jesse was the guy I was supposed to marry or not. Trust me, it would’ve been a lot easier to give up on him than to struggle through all of this. So, for God to tell me no would’ve been a relief! But as I read back over my journal of the past 5 months, I knew with more certainty than ever that what we had was real and was of God. I wasn’t sure if Jesse would ever come to his senses and seek God’s face again, but I knew what I had to do.
So, I drove the hour and ½ every weekend to pick Jesse up and bring him home from school (on my college student budget) just so Jesse could be in church. I remember breaking down and crying in my financial aid counselor’s office when she questioned why I would spend $200 a month on gas to pick up an ex boyfriend. I’m not sure if she understood, but she accepted it. I would also call Jesse regularly to check up on him. These phone calls were hard. It seemed most of the time that he’d rather be doing anything in the world than talking to me (which is probably true). The calls would often end in big fights and lots of tears as I struggled to understand how someone who once told me that they never wanted to leave my side would now rather be anywhere but.
My journal no longer just recorded the day-to-day events of our relationship (and now break up) but became a place to pour out my heart to God in prayer begging for him to give me strength throughout this trial. I read books on intercessory prayer and did Bible studies on accountability. My heart hurt so much. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a broken heart, but it really is as horrible as it sounds. My stomach was twisted in knots. My heart was heavy. I felt this sorrow physically all over my body. There’s no way that I could’ve done it without God. I wonder how anybody EVER does it without God. I’d have passing thoughts of committing suicide or harming myself, but could quickly identify it as the voice of Satan, and know that God loved me more than I ever knew. He was my strong tower in the midst of my crumbling world.
A certain song became my mantra during this time- “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. It says:
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
I thought there was such power in declaring that you are going to praise him even while it’s still raining…. even though my heart is torn… and every tear I’ve cried (the countless ones that fell while I drifted off to sleep) He holds in His hands. And even though I can barely hear Him whisper at times, He is with me.
As time went on, God mended some of the hurt my heart felt, but I struggled with whether to move on or not. Jesse was so engrossed in his life, and he probably preferred I move on just so I’d be out of his hair. But I couldn’t shake the knowledge I had that he was the one for me.
In March 2006, we attended a youth rally in San Francisco. During this, God spoke to Jesse giving him the wake up call he needed. During an altar call, Jesse fought his instinct to remain seated and made his way in the pouring rain to the baseball field in the middle of the stadium and got down on his hands and knees and repented before the Lord. I was so overcome with emotions, I just sobbed and sobbed. My friends who knew the extent of what I had been through, put their arms around me and praised God for what He was doing in Jesse at that moment. The next day was the first time Jesse ever apologized to me for everything that had happened between us.
Sadly, Jesse returned back to school and fell right back into the struggles he had before. And when June rolled around, he wasn’t sure if he was going to come home for the summer at all. I knew that he would be making a grave mistake in staying there, but God had to speak to Jesse Himself. Jesse came home for 2 weeks before planning on returning to Monmouth, but during this time he realized how much the temptations at school were devastating his relationship with God and how much he needed to be home with his church friends. So, he made the 2nd best decision of his life to come home and get right with God.
It took the rest of the year for Jesse and I to build our friendship back up. He was so afraid of hurting me again that he would avoid me at all costs, not realizing he was hurting me even more by doing so. At times, he would try to be my friend again, but then get scared and back away even more. It was difficult to trust him because I felt that as soon as I let me guard down, he would hurt me. It wasn’t until December of that year that we finally began to have a friendship again, spending time together, going out for dinner, and talking about what was going on in our lives. Jesse was so lost, though. He had walked away from his biggest passion (playing football) and feared that he was doomed to a life of mediocrity. I prayed that the Lord would give me some way to encourage Jesse through this. He told me to give Jesse my journal- all of my deepest thoughts and prayers- never intended for another’s eyes. But I recognized the significant impact this could have for him, so I created a copy and gave it to him.
We were head over heels for each other. I had never felt loved so much in my life, and the love that abounded in my heart for Jesse was more than I had ever known. This isn’t to say that things were perfect, though.
Jesse struggled through much of his teen years in a tug-o-war between his flesh and his spirit. He would go back and forth between immersing himself in the ways of the world and then hitting rock bottom and crawling back to God. He felt like so much of a failure most of the time, that his shame kept him from surrendering it all. And, so when he would mess up, he would just believe that he was destined to mess up and stay in that place until he couldn’t stand it anymore. And then he’d come back to God and declare he was going to do everything differently this time. But he’d put so much effort into being the most perfect Christian he could be, that he’d become overwhelmed and spiral into the same place he was before. It was an awful cycle to watch him go through and to be a part of. For every time he partook in this cycle, it directly affected his relationship with me.
Jesse would often tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was, and how he knew that I was the one he was supposed to marry. This was when his eyes were set on God. But when he lost his focus, all of the sudden he wasn’t sure if he loved me at all, he wasn’t attracted to me, and he felt so uncertain about spending his life with me. Talk about an emotional roller coaster for me! It broke my heart over and over again to hear these contradictions come from his mouth, but I knew the emotional roller coaster I was on was nothing compared to the spiritual one that he was one.
In August 2005, 5 months into our relationship, Jesse moved away to Monmouth to begin his freshman year at Western Oregon University. At this point, we were certain of getting married, despite the struggles we had experienced. We were planning our wedding for the following summer in 2006, and I had already contacted WOU’s married housing department and was arranging to transfer my senior year of college to George Fox University’s Salem district.
As he absorbed himself in football camp, Jesse began to struggle more and more with the lifestyle presented before him daily, and the one he knew God wanted him to have. There were more and more of those roller coaster days where all of his uncertainty began to rise up again. So, we decided to seek the counsel of our pastor and his wife to help us reconcile these issues. On September 15th, I drove up to Monmouth to pick Jesse up and bring him home. We were supposed to see our pastor that weekend for our first counseling session. I made a necklace that day that I decided to wear to remind me to pray for our relationship. It had one charm that was a man kneeling down to pray and one charm that was a heart. As we drove, though, Jesse began to inform me of all of his uncertainties towards our relationship again. I don’t remember the words he said, but his final decision was to break up with me. I was heartbroken. I immediately took off the necklace in hurt and placed it on the seat. However, I heard the voice of God speaking to my heart to put it back on. He said, “Don’t give up on him.” It wasn’t audible, but it was the clearest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I put the necklace back on and determined that I was not going to let Jesse slip into the lies of the Devil. I knew, from everything he was saying, that he was trying to get away from his source of accountability in his relationship with God. And I knew that would be the most detrimental thing he could do to himself. Thus began the hardest thing I’ve ever been through…
Although we were broken up, I decided to seek the counseling of my pastor’s wife without Jesse, so that I could get reinforcements on how to handle this whole ordeal. The most crucial thing she told me was to spend time in prayer and fasting and ask God if Jesse was really the person I was supposed to marry. She said that if God said no, she knew I would still pray for him and hold him accountable, but I could be released from the burden of loving him in that way through the midst of it. If God said yes, however, then I would have that much more fervor to stand against whatever may come.
As much as fasting is not my strong suit (I love my food!), I felt that it was really important and worth it to make this sacrifice. Often, in that vulnerable and humble state, God is able to speak volumes to us. So I spent the next 3 days fasting. It was probably some of the worst days of this whole experience. I was cranky and heartbroken and hungry and sick and lonely. I cried everyday, multiple times throughout the day. Everything reminded me of Jesse. TV commercials, couples at the mall, things around my room, EVERYTHING. But I prayed and I prayed for God to reveal to me whether Jesse was the guy I was supposed to marry or not. Trust me, it would’ve been a lot easier to give up on him than to struggle through all of this. So, for God to tell me no would’ve been a relief! But as I read back over my journal of the past 5 months, I knew with more certainty than ever that what we had was real and was of God. I wasn’t sure if Jesse would ever come to his senses and seek God’s face again, but I knew what I had to do.
So, I drove the hour and ½ every weekend to pick Jesse up and bring him home from school (on my college student budget) just so Jesse could be in church. I remember breaking down and crying in my financial aid counselor’s office when she questioned why I would spend $200 a month on gas to pick up an ex boyfriend. I’m not sure if she understood, but she accepted it. I would also call Jesse regularly to check up on him. These phone calls were hard. It seemed most of the time that he’d rather be doing anything in the world than talking to me (which is probably true). The calls would often end in big fights and lots of tears as I struggled to understand how someone who once told me that they never wanted to leave my side would now rather be anywhere but.
My journal no longer just recorded the day-to-day events of our relationship (and now break up) but became a place to pour out my heart to God in prayer begging for him to give me strength throughout this trial. I read books on intercessory prayer and did Bible studies on accountability. My heart hurt so much. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a broken heart, but it really is as horrible as it sounds. My stomach was twisted in knots. My heart was heavy. I felt this sorrow physically all over my body. There’s no way that I could’ve done it without God. I wonder how anybody EVER does it without God. I’d have passing thoughts of committing suicide or harming myself, but could quickly identify it as the voice of Satan, and know that God loved me more than I ever knew. He was my strong tower in the midst of my crumbling world.
A certain song became my mantra during this time- “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. It says:
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
I thought there was such power in declaring that you are going to praise him even while it’s still raining…. even though my heart is torn… and every tear I’ve cried (the countless ones that fell while I drifted off to sleep) He holds in His hands. And even though I can barely hear Him whisper at times, He is with me.
As time went on, God mended some of the hurt my heart felt, but I struggled with whether to move on or not. Jesse was so engrossed in his life, and he probably preferred I move on just so I’d be out of his hair. But I couldn’t shake the knowledge I had that he was the one for me.
In March 2006, we attended a youth rally in San Francisco. During this, God spoke to Jesse giving him the wake up call he needed. During an altar call, Jesse fought his instinct to remain seated and made his way in the pouring rain to the baseball field in the middle of the stadium and got down on his hands and knees and repented before the Lord. I was so overcome with emotions, I just sobbed and sobbed. My friends who knew the extent of what I had been through, put their arms around me and praised God for what He was doing in Jesse at that moment. The next day was the first time Jesse ever apologized to me for everything that had happened between us.
Sadly, Jesse returned back to school and fell right back into the struggles he had before. And when June rolled around, he wasn’t sure if he was going to come home for the summer at all. I knew that he would be making a grave mistake in staying there, but God had to speak to Jesse Himself. Jesse came home for 2 weeks before planning on returning to Monmouth, but during this time he realized how much the temptations at school were devastating his relationship with God and how much he needed to be home with his church friends. So, he made the 2nd best decision of his life to come home and get right with God.
It took the rest of the year for Jesse and I to build our friendship back up. He was so afraid of hurting me again that he would avoid me at all costs, not realizing he was hurting me even more by doing so. At times, he would try to be my friend again, but then get scared and back away even more. It was difficult to trust him because I felt that as soon as I let me guard down, he would hurt me. It wasn’t until December of that year that we finally began to have a friendship again, spending time together, going out for dinner, and talking about what was going on in our lives. Jesse was so lost, though. He had walked away from his biggest passion (playing football) and feared that he was doomed to a life of mediocrity. I prayed that the Lord would give me some way to encourage Jesse through this. He told me to give Jesse my journal- all of my deepest thoughts and prayers- never intended for another’s eyes. But I recognized the significant impact this could have for him, so I created a copy and gave it to him.
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