I Will Praise You in this Storm

From before we even started dating, Jesse and I were in agreement that there was no reason to date without the intention of marriage. We weren’t sure where we were headed, but if we couldn’t see ourselves ever getting married, there was no reason to even begin a relationship. We also agreed that we wanted our relationship to be one based in God, more of a courtship than really dating. And, from the very beginning, we knew that God had brought us together. The most unlikely people to get together from the youth group, and yet there was no doubt that it was literally a match made in Heaven. I kept a journal beginning that very first day, chronicling our love story.

We were head over heels for each other. I had never felt loved so much in my life, and the love that abounded in my heart for Jesse was more than I had ever known. This isn’t to say that things were perfect, though.

Jesse struggled through much of his teen years in a tug-o-war between his flesh and his spirit. He would go back and forth between immersing himself in the ways of the world and then hitting rock bottom and crawling back to God. He felt like so much of a failure most of the time, that his shame kept him from surrendering it all. And, so when he would mess up, he would just believe that he was destined to mess up and stay in that place until he couldn’t stand it anymore. And then he’d come back to God and declare he was going to do everything differently this time. But he’d put so much effort into being the most perfect Christian he could be, that he’d become overwhelmed and spiral into the same place he was before. It was an awful cycle to watch him go through and to be a part of. For every time he partook in this cycle, it directly affected his relationship with me.

Jesse would often tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was, and how he knew that I was the one he was supposed to marry. This was when his eyes were set on God. But when he lost his focus, all of the sudden he wasn’t sure if he loved me at all, he wasn’t attracted to me, and he felt so uncertain about spending his life with me. Talk about an emotional roller coaster for me! It broke my heart over and over again to hear these contradictions come from his mouth, but I knew the emotional roller coaster I was on was nothing compared to the spiritual one that he was one.

In August 2005, 5 months into our relationship, Jesse moved away to Monmouth to begin his freshman year at Western Oregon University. At this point, we were certain of getting married, despite the struggles we had experienced. We were planning our wedding for the following summer in 2006, and I had already contacted WOU’s married housing department and was arranging to transfer my senior year of college to George Fox University’s Salem district.

As he absorbed himself in football camp, Jesse began to struggle more and more with the lifestyle presented before him daily, and the one he knew God wanted him to have. There were more and more of those roller coaster days where all of his uncertainty began to rise up again. So, we decided to seek the counsel of our pastor and his wife to help us reconcile these issues. On September 15th, I drove up to Monmouth to pick Jesse up and bring him home. We were supposed to see our pastor that weekend for our first counseling session. I made a necklace that day that I decided to wear to remind me to pray for our relationship. It had one charm that was a man kneeling down to pray and one charm that was a heart. As we drove, though, Jesse began to inform me of all of his uncertainties towards our relationship again. I don’t remember the words he said, but his final decision was to break up with me. I was heartbroken. I immediately took off the necklace in hurt and placed it on the seat. However, I heard the voice of God speaking to my heart to put it back on. He said, “Don’t give up on him.” It wasn’t audible, but it was the clearest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I put the necklace back on and determined that I was not going to let Jesse slip into the lies of the Devil. I knew, from everything he was saying, that he was trying to get away from his source of accountability in his relationship with God. And I knew that would be the most detrimental thing he could do to himself. Thus began the hardest thing I’ve ever been through…

Although we were broken up, I decided to seek the counseling of my pastor’s wife without Jesse, so that I could get reinforcements on how to handle this whole ordeal. The most crucial thing she told me was to spend time in prayer and fasting and ask God if Jesse was really the person I was supposed to marry. She said that if God said no, she knew I would still pray for him and hold him accountable, but I could be released from the burden of loving him in that way through the midst of it. If God said yes, however, then I would have that much more fervor to stand against whatever may come.

As much as fasting is not my strong suit (I love my food!), I felt that it was really important and worth it to make this sacrifice. Often, in that vulnerable and humble state, God is able to speak volumes to us. So I spent the next 3 days fasting. It was probably some of the worst days of this whole experience. I was cranky and heartbroken and hungry and sick and lonely. I cried everyday, multiple times throughout the day. Everything reminded me of Jesse. TV commercials, couples at the mall, things around my room, EVERYTHING. But I prayed and I prayed for God to reveal to me whether Jesse was the guy I was supposed to marry or not. Trust me, it would’ve been a lot easier to give up on him than to struggle through all of this. So, for God to tell me no would’ve been a relief! But as I read back over my journal of the past 5 months, I knew with more certainty than ever that what we had was real and was of God. I wasn’t sure if Jesse would ever come to his senses and seek God’s face again, but I knew what I had to do.

So, I drove the hour and ½ every weekend to pick Jesse up and bring him home from school (on my college student budget) just so Jesse could be in church. I remember breaking down and crying in my financial aid counselor’s office when she questioned why I would spend $200 a month on gas to pick up an ex boyfriend. I’m not sure if she understood, but she accepted it. I would also call Jesse regularly to check up on him. These phone calls were hard. It seemed most of the time that he’d rather be doing anything in the world than talking to me (which is probably true). The calls would often end in big fights and lots of tears as I struggled to understand how someone who once told me that they never wanted to leave my side would now rather be anywhere but.

My journal no longer just recorded the day-to-day events of our relationship (and now break up) but became a place to pour out my heart to God in prayer begging for him to give me strength throughout this trial. I read books on intercessory prayer and did Bible studies on accountability. My heart hurt so much. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a broken heart, but it really is as horrible as it sounds. My stomach was twisted in knots. My heart was heavy. I felt this sorrow physically all over my body. There’s no way that I could’ve done it without God. I wonder how anybody EVER does it without God. I’d have passing thoughts of committing suicide or harming myself, but could quickly identify it as the voice of Satan, and know that God loved me more than I ever knew. He was my strong tower in the midst of my crumbling world.

A certain song became my mantra during this time- “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. It says:

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

I thought there was such power in declaring that you are going to praise him even while it’s still raining…. even though my heart is torn… and every tear I’ve cried (the countless ones that fell while I drifted off to sleep) He holds in His hands. And even though I can barely hear Him whisper at times, He is with me.

As time went on, God mended some of the hurt my heart felt, but I struggled with whether to move on or not. Jesse was so engrossed in his life, and he probably preferred I move on just so I’d be out of his hair. But I couldn’t shake the knowledge I had that he was the one for me.

In March 2006, we attended a youth rally in San Francisco. During this, God spoke to Jesse giving him the wake up call he needed. During an altar call, Jesse fought his instinct to remain seated and made his way in the pouring rain to the baseball field in the middle of the stadium and got down on his hands and knees and repented before the Lord. I was so overcome with emotions, I just sobbed and sobbed. My friends who knew the extent of what I had been through, put their arms around me and praised God for what He was doing in Jesse at that moment. The next day was the first time Jesse ever apologized to me for everything that had happened between us.

Sadly, Jesse returned back to school and fell right back into the struggles he had before. And when June rolled around, he wasn’t sure if he was going to come home for the summer at all. I knew that he would be making a grave mistake in staying there, but God had to speak to Jesse Himself. Jesse came home for 2 weeks before planning on returning to Monmouth, but during this time he realized how much the temptations at school were devastating his relationship with God and how much he needed to be home with his church friends. So, he made the 2nd best decision of his life to come home and get right with God.

It took the rest of the year for Jesse and I to build our friendship back up. He was so afraid of hurting me again that he would avoid me at all costs, not realizing he was hurting me even more by doing so. At times, he would try to be my friend again, but then get scared and back away even more. It was difficult to trust him because I felt that as soon as I let me guard down, he would hurt me. It wasn’t until December of that year that we finally began to have a friendship again, spending time together, going out for dinner, and talking about what was going on in our lives. Jesse was so lost, though. He had walked away from his biggest passion (playing football) and feared that he was doomed to a life of mediocrity. I prayed that the Lord would give me some way to encourage Jesse through this. He told me to give Jesse my journal- all of my deepest thoughts and prayers- never intended for another’s eyes. But I recognized the significant impact this could have for him, so I created a copy and gave it to him.