Forever and Ever or Not?

Just over a week ago, I found out that my in-laws, Michael and Kaela, have decided to separate. Michael says that he's not ready for a divorce and believes that God can heal, but Kaela has announced to everyone that they are getting divorced. I’ve struggled with how to write this because it could be approached from many different angles. I could just give you the straightforward story, just telling the facts as they are. I could give you my most biased opinions, wrapped all throughout the story, informing you of where I believe the faults lie. Or I could give you the lessons that I have walked away with having witnessed the situation as both a close family member and not-so-distant observer. It’s even harder to figure out how to come at such a situation when it affects the lives of those closest to me, and I don’t want anything that I say to offend someone directly involved. It’s almost easier to not say anything at all, but I figure that many people may not know unless they hear it this way, as it’s not really something you call everyone up and let them know.

So, in short, they are separated with possible divorce. If you want more information, you can ask one of them directly so that nothing gets misconstrued through me. However, divorce is always a sensitive subject, especially for those going through it. There is a love that a husband and wife have for each other that really cannot be described accurately in words. You come to know every aspect of that person, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Your lives become entwined with one another, and your spouse is not just your husband or wife by title, but they are your lover, your best friend, and your confidant. When there comes a point where the two decide to separate their lives, they have to find their way through a web of emotion, love, and familiarity interlaced with deep wounds of hurt and bitterness, logistics, and uncertainty. And, even though Michael and Kaela have mutually decided to end their marriage, they still have to go through an emotional separation, as they mentally reconcile their oneness with their desire to have two separate lives again.

Logistically, things are complicated. They just moved to Idaho a month ago and have been living (with their 2 young kids) in 1 bedroom at Kaela’s dad & stepmom’s house. Kaela has those two family members in Idaho, plus her connections from her new job, albeit that’s not a lot. Michael, however, doesn’t have anyone but Kaela and the kids. He still wants to be a part of his kids’ lives in every possible way, but since he cannot stay in that house and has no one else in Idaho, he has decided to come back home to Oregon temporarily. Jesse and I were more than willing to open up the 2nd bedroom of our house for Michael to stay in. He’s our brother and we wouldn’t have it any other way. There are a lot of issues as far as Michael being laid off from his previous job at Hynix and receiving unemployment and tuition grants to begin school and a new job in Idaho (going into the electrician/linesmen trade). These issues affect his ability to work in the meantime before school starts, or to get his own place in Idaho, etc. So, my understanding of his plan is to be here until May when school starts upon which he will return to Idaho and be able to work and go to school and earn enough money to support himself. If you need more information than that, please ask him personally.

Divorce is NEVER a good thing. I believe that God created the picture of marriage as a reflection of Himself. The relationship between a husband and wife mirror the relationship that Jesus has with the church (Christians as a whole group), found in Ephesians 5. Just as Christ laid down His life for the church to restore the church (His bride) to right-standing in Holiness for God, so the husband sacrifices His own desires to lift his wife up to the best that she can be. And, just as the church is supposed to yield to the authority of Christ in respect for Him, so the wife submits to her husband out of respect for the position that God has given him in their family. It is a relationship that reciprocates love at all times. And, divorce takes God’s self-portrait and defaces it. Malachi 2:13-16 says, “You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel.” Having said that, though, it is my personal opinion that it is no better to live in a marriage, shrouded in a title that displays the name of God yet doesn’t accurately represent His love. And, I am a living example that God can take an awful situation and use it for your good. Out of my parents’ divorce, I came to see my mom as a beautiful and strong woman of God. I witnessed her example of complete trust in Him when she couldn’t do it on her own. And I watched God work miracles. He also used the situation to bring me to Oregon where He completely transformed my life. I was heading down a path of destruction and God showed me that He was more real to me than anything I have ever experienced. I learned to surrender my will to His, and ultimately, my parents’ divorce led me to my own marriage. For I wouldn’t have met Jesse without moving here, and I wouldn’t have moved here if they were still married.

So, in viewing the marriage that Michael and Kaela have had and in partaking in support for them as they go through this difficult time, I pray that God uses it for the good. They are no better off being married if they simply return to the marriage they had. If they want to get back together, it has to be with complete surrender to God, letting go of all of the hurt and discovering His real purpose for marriage. Otherwise, they’ll only end up back in this same place in a matter of time. And, if they can’t have a marriage together that glorifies Him, I pray that God uses it to better each of them in their relationships with Him. If Michael (specifically, because he is Jesse’s brother) goes on to remarry someone else in the distant future, I pray that he will then know how to be a Godly husband as the Bible instructs him to be- and that he will know God’s love for him more clearly because he will see it represented in the woman before him. And, while Michael is in our house, I pray that Jesse and I will be able to encourage him, continually pointing him to God. Some well-meaning but (I believe) misdirected people from church discouraged us from taking Michael into our house. They said that it would cause a distraction for us, disrupting our relationship with each other and with God, and perhaps, even taking away our possibility of conceiving a child (a low-blow, if you ask me). I know that it is wise to take these warnings and be on-guard against them, but we refuse to allow them to root up as true in our household. I pray for protection around every wall and each inch of surface of our home- may our home be one that glorifies the name of God. And, I pray that this situation only helps to strengthen our marriage.

Divorce is one of those things that no one anticipates or plans for, but I think there are things that you can do to protect your marriage against it. My aunt recently said, in response to the news of Michael & Kaela’s divorce, that every couple goes through a time when they believe that is where their marriage is headed. Jesse and I agreed that it doesn’t have to be that way. If God didn’t design it that way, we don’t have to live it that way. And I think that we can protect ourselves by purposing every day to love each other selflessly. It’s hard to be mean when you just said, “I love you” and you are going to say it again in the next hour or so. It’s hard to be selfish when you are constantly remembering the gift that God has given you in the form of your spouse. It’s hard to become complacent when you remind yourself of how you prayed everyday for God to bring this person into your life, and reflect on how you fell in love and were so certain that it was meant to be. It’s hard to allow bitterness to root up when you solve an argument quickly rather than letting it drag out over hours and days. So, as long as we make a conscious effort to make these things a priority rather than growing familiar with our routine ways, we believe that our marriage will grow in strength and endure the tests of time. When we lay in bed that night, after discussing the comment my aunt made and our thoughts about it, we put our arms around each other and said goodnight. Jesse said, “I love you,” to which I replied, “I love you, too… forever and ever.” He responded, “… forever and ever.”